I spent the last year of my life away from Church. The past couple of years have waned, but this past year was sparse I just couldn't do it. And I am not sure why I couldn't. In fact, every Sunday that I didn't go with church, I had immense guilt. I talked with God all morning too, on how it was physically impossible for me to get in my car and drive there. There were even Sundays when I got ready to go and just couldn't do it. I had anxiety. Like complete melt down anxiety of going to church. I mentally couldn't do it. I couldn't do it without crying. I was/am a complete emotional wreck.
I am working through it.
I am not even sure of the reasons. The days I did go to church this year, I felt fulfilled. But talking to people and congregating made me anxious. Those who know me, that is not my typical demeanor. There was something about the fakeness of some people that I just couldn't deal with.
And its not because my pastors, because they are some of the best ever.
I do not know the reasoning. But I am working through it.
It's a struggle with myself every day. In fact getting up and going to work is a feat in itself. And this year has specifically been a struggle-- financially, physically and mentally. My self worth, my self confidence, you name it, its me.
As the new year starts, I do know this:
- Do I believe in God any less? No
- Have I lost the "Christian" way. No.
- Do I have less faith? No
- Do I believe in the God the Father who died for our sins and gave us eternal grace? Yes. HECK YES.
- Do I believe in the body of Christ, a community of faith? Yes.
- Do I need to work on it? Yes. Everyone does. There is always room for improvement. No one is perfect. And going to church every Sunday doesn't automatically make one ethical and Christian.
Luckily I get a fresh start daily. God's grace guides me. I am saved by grace. I am an imperfect sinner. And I work on it daily. But God is in my heart every day. No matter where I decide to worship Him.
