Hiatus

Church.  I am probably going to offend some people, so I am apologizing in advance.  But this is truly how I feel. I can't help it.  And it happened.

I spent the last year of my life away from Church.  The past couple of years have waned, but this past year was sparse   I just couldn't do it.  And I am not sure why I couldn't. In fact, every Sunday that I didn't go with church, I had immense guilt.  I talked with God all morning too, on how it was physically impossible for me to get in my car and drive there.  There were even Sundays when I got ready to go and just couldn't do it.  I had anxiety. Like complete melt down anxiety of going to church.   I mentally couldn't do it.  I couldn't do it without crying.  I was/am a complete emotional wreck.

I am working through it.

I am not even sure of the reasons.  The days I did go to church this year, I felt fulfilled. But talking to people and congregating made me anxious.  Those who know me, that is not my typical demeanor.  There was something about the fakeness of some people that I just couldn't deal with.

And its not because my pastors, because they are some of the best ever.

I do not know the reasoning.  But I am working through it.

It's a struggle with myself every day. In fact getting up and going to work is a feat in itself.  And this year has specifically been a struggle-- financially, physically and mentally.  My self worth, my self confidence, you name it, its me.

As the new year starts, I do know this:

• Do I believe in God any less?  No
• Have I lost the "Christian" way.  No.
• Do I have less faith?  No
• Do I believe in the God the Father who died for our sins and gave us eternal grace?  Yes. HECK YES.
• Do I believe in the body of Christ, a community of faith? Yes.  
• Do I need to work on it? Yes.  Everyone does.  There is always room for improvement. No one is perfect.  And going to church every Sunday doesn't automatically make one ethical and Christian.

Luckily I get a fresh start daily.  God's grace guides me.  I am saved by grace. I am an imperfect sinner.  And I work on it daily.  But God is in my heart every day.  No matter where I decide to worship Him. 

Listen

Listen, listen, God is calling Author: Tanzanian Traditional

Refrain

Listen, listen, God is calling
through the Word inviting,
offering forgiveness,
comfort and joy.
(repeat)

Jesus gave his mandate;
share the good news
that he came to save us
and set us free.

Refrain.

Let none be forgotten
throughout the world.
In the triune name of God
go and baptize.

Refrain.

Help us to be faithful,
standing steadfast,
walking in your precepts,
led by your Word.

Refrain.

Momentum

It has been a while, I know.   I haven't really had much energy to write, as there just always seems to be a hard stop to life momentum.  You know what I mean, life finally gets going, going in the correct direction.  Then in one foul swoop, you are back to square one.  That's how I feel these days.  And a similar cycle over and over again.  It's almost like we will never get ahead.   Now, don't get me wrong, I know I am blessed.  It's just sometimes the over controlling obstacles really get me down.  I am now in a brand new momentum cycle.  I guess I am lucky that I really have nothing to lose and have multiple chances to start over again.  Some day soon, though, I really wish I could break through it!!

I will write more soon, as soon as I have a clear mind,I just don't want to come across a certain way, when really, I am just exhausted.  Write again soon, xoxoxo  -k

Engage

Thank you Maya Angelou for providing a beautiful quote that sums up how I feel this year for the One Word campaign. I don't think I could summarize my feelings any more perfectly:

"Love life, engage in it, give it all you've got, love it with a passion, because life truly does give back, many times over, what you put in to it." --Maya Angelou

One Word 2012

Again this year, I am doing One Word: http://oneword365.com/. If you haven't done it, its not too late to try. It is the only "resolution" of sorts I can keep every day of the year. I really thought hard and prayed about what my word should be and as I thought of 2011, one word really stuck out....Engage.

I spent a lot of 2011 being a loner of sorts, trying to sort out my life and get it figured out and organized, just going from day to day like a zombie, just getting by. I had a lot of great intentions too. I also realized I have a lot of people in my life of whom are so important, I cannot express how much they mean to me. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do even the small tasks on my "to do" list such as sending a card I couldn't accomplish. I just couldn't be a good supporter no matter what I did. Queue in the word Engage. I want to Engage with the people that are important to me, Engage in a better community as a whole and Engage myself in my faith. I also want to engage the compassion that sits deep inside me and engage my spiritual gifts to be able to offer the world what I have. I can be the person and Christian that I am deep down, I just need to engage in those feelings so I can implement these things in my every day life.

Let's go 2012. Nothing's going to stop me now.

Wrapping up 2011..

One evening in December of 2010, I was blog surfing like a mad women looking for nothing in particular. I found this blog: http://www.gritandglory.com/one-word-2011, and it was exactly what I was (or wasn't) I was looking for. A new resolution of sorts, a fresh start for the new year and a new way to think. After reading the post, I was hooked and knew I was going to to it for the new year. 2011 was going to be great. 2010 was less than desirable, with many many unexpected events and a lot of trials. It was frustrating and I couldn't be happier to leave the year behind. Then 2011 came. Hope was my word. HOPE. I prayed and thought about that word every day, all year. Honestly, some days it was only thing that got me through the day. As the year went by, it became harder than I ever thought 2o10 was. And that one word got me through it. I had hope. I still have hope. But, I have a different perspective of hope. Initially, I thought if I just had hope in my heart, about the issues that I carried, that they could eventually have a good end. Instead, all the answers to my problems turned the complete opposite way, a way I even struggle with. I couldn't figure out why I got nothing I was hoping for. Then I realized that hope was there all along, amidst all the tradegies of the year, with me, my family and everyone around me. Somewhere along the line, I realized that the root of hope was different than what it seems on the outside. I realized how important family is, what a great support system we are for eachother and that the real stuff that matters are the events of your life, not the physical stuff you own.

I am a different person with a different perspective now. Hope is there, hope is all around. Thanking God for the beautiful world and a new day of living gives me hope that whatever comes my way, I can handle it and hopefully be able to offer a little hope to others along the way.